


Slivers of Gold

by BlackOrbit



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Bandito Tour, Depressed Tyler Joseph, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hearing Voices, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions Of Blurryface, World Tour 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 06:16:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17976035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackOrbit/pseuds/BlackOrbit
Summary: Suddenly everything happens too fast. He stumbles, tries to catch himself, hears the panicked tone in Josh's voice as he calls his name but it's too late already. His vision blurs, his head spins and then he's falling, his vision darkening.





	Slivers of Gold

It happens during Bandito. Tyler doesn't know what it is that triggers it, this time. They're halfway through the concert and are now performing on the second stage which is a little smaller than the main one and that lies more into the back of the arena they're playing in. Josh sits at his drums, only a few feet away from him and the piano, with his eyes closed and his head moving to the rythm. Tiny droplets of sweat roll down Tyler's temples and his shirt sticks, unlike Josh whose naked torso is bare, uncomfortably to his skin.

He's swaying back and forth slowly while his fingers dance over the keys of the wooden piano. Blinded by dozens of spotlights aimed at them Tyler looks up, looks at Josh who is just so _beautiful_ , gazes at the crowd of _thousands_ of people surrounding them. He hears them screaming, hears them singing along, he sees the ocean of white and yellow flashlights, sees Josh mouthing the lyrics and tilting his head back and suddenly Tyler notices it's not only sweat wetting his skin.

Hot tears are streaming down his face and while his hands are playing automatically, his mouth goes dry. His voice breaks and then he hears his own playback, but it sounds distant as if his head was surrounded by heavy clouds. His mind numbs and he tries to not let _him_ infiltrate his thoughts but he's not quick enough, the hushed voice is already whispering to him. 

_Your voice. Your voice. _Your voice_._

Tyler shakes his head once with adequate force, wants to free his mind from _him_ and his intrusive _words_ but he knows he's not strong enough. He hears the nasty voice laughing ghastly, becoming louder and _louder_ with each shaky breath. Tyler knows he stands just before hyperventilating. His heart races and he leans back a little on his stool, the spotlights above his head circling. He needs to focus. He needs to focus. He needs to _focus_.

While the fans don't notice anything, probably just thinking it's part of the show, Josh pins his gaze on him immediately. The look in his dark eyes is critical and _worried_ but Tyler can't bring himself to give his friend a reassuring smile like he would usually do. His vision is swirling and his hands are trembling and it costs all of Tyler's willpower to stay concentrated and to not let anything of his inner tremors show. He knows how to translate Josh's stare, sees the question in his eyes but he only closes his own eyes briefly before he in- and exhales deeply one time, two times. He continues singing even though he's struggling to suppress the cruel voice in his head.

By the time they're jogging back to the main stage Tyler's head is hurting pretty badly. He took a pill a few hours ago but his migraine is breaking through nevertheless. The volume, the lights, the people, Tyler knows he isn't far from panicking but he swallows the anxiety down, knowing there's no way for a professional artist like him to show such weakness in front of the audience. Tyler wants to scream.

Josh is running directly next to him, Tyler hears him breathing flatly. Playing the drums for more than an hour without a namable break, Josh should be the one jaded. Instead, it's Tyler who's panting and breathing heavily as if he's been running a marathon. He tries to catch his breath and has troubles to keep the feeling of dizziness down he's fighting the whole evening already.

When they're behind the main stage again and accepting the water bottles some staff member hands them, Josh bumps his shoulder softly into Tyler. "Is everything okay?" He doesn't return the gaze, only takes a sip and watches another crew member rushing towards him with a new shirt in his hands. "Yeah", is the only thing he manages to answer. He cringes at how hoarse his voice sounds.

He accepts the fresh cloth and awkwardly peels out of the old, sweaty one. He hears Josh sigh quietly. Then there's a man with a headset on and a clipboard in his hands, urging the drummer to return to the stage. Glancing sidewards, Tyler sees Josh nod. "Hey, keep smiling", his friend whispers into his ear as he turns and squeezes his shoulder briefly. Tyler's eyes dart up but Josh is gone already, leaving Tyler behind with mixed feelings.

Tyler knows Josh is back on stage when an earsplitting noise fills the hall. Tyler jumps up and down a few times, tries to draw his attention back to the show and away from his _thoughts_ and follows his friend. He isn't a performer _for nothing_ , they're _expecting_ him to deliver.

And then it's done, the show is over. Golden snippets are flying through the air and smoke is blocking his view, filling his lungs and almost making him cough. Tyler stands on a small platform that's carried by a dozen of fans. Adrenaline rushes through his veins and his knees are trembling. Countless hands are touching him, clinging to his feet and legs. He wants to tear his legs away, tell them to _stop touching_ him but he does none of that, only smiles and throws his drumsticks into the crowd, watching the fans reaching out and trying to catch them. He lets his gaze roam over the lower tier to his left and tries to uphold his laugh, seeing all those people with their phones in their hands, taking pictures and videos and capturing his expression _for ever_. He knows how important it is in situations like these to just look _good_ , and nothing else. 

He turns his head to his right without shifting his weight too much and spots Josh who's throwing thumbs ups to their right and the people directly beneath him. He watches his friend bend down and giving high fives to the many, many people reaching out for him. He sees all those girls screaming and crying, sees boys jumping with their phones in their hands. Tyler absolutely gets how they're feeling. He urges to cry and shout too.

Most of the glitter has fallen down and Tyler takes it as the sign to climb down again. Holding a staff member's hand he jumps down the platform. With shaky knees he lands on the ground, his head feeling dizzy again. For a short moment his vision blurs and he grabs his head, his brows knitted, feeling the painful stitch of the migraine right behind his forehead. He swallows down a groan and then there's a hand on his elbow, just a feathery touch. He flinches.

He removes his hand from his head and meets Josh's gaze and his friend sends him a meaningful glare. Tyler answers with a limited nod and they retreat to the stage to bow down and wave one last time. The applause has become an unclear and blurred noise by now, the world spinning again.

It's the moment when they're walking down the few stairs that lead to the backstage area that the tension in Tyler's body suddenly dissolves and from one moment to the other he just feels like all of his energy has left him. Suddenly continue moving feels like an impossible task and Tyler has to stop for a second, his grip tightening on the parapet to his right.

Josh comes to a halt right behind him. "Ty?", he asks with a suspicious tone in his voice. The singer only shakes his head and forces himself to start walking again. His head is hurting so bad, it feels like exploding any minute. He just needs to make it to his dressing room, Tyler reminds himself. Then he can rest. His vision is blurring slightly and he shakes his head a second time in an attempt to clear his sight, thinking that maybe, maybe he should have drank or eaten more.

And then, the next thing Tyler knows he's losing his balance. He stumbles and he tries to grab for something to hold himself upright but there isn't anything he can hold onto and he's seeing black spots and then his legs are giving out. Distanced, he hears people calling his name but his eyes are closing already, his body going limp.

The first thing Tyler sees when he cracks his eyes open again is bright white light. He groans and tries to turn and hide away from it but a hand on his arm prevents him from doing so. He turns his head slightly and his heart stutters when he sees Josh who's sitting on a plastic chair next to him. His eyes are on Tyler and he knows his friend for long enough to identify the look on his face as concern. Tyler lets his gaze travel down and an annoyed growl escapes him when he sees he's lying on a stretcher but at least he's in his private dressing room.

"How are you feeling?" Josh's voice is gentle. Tyler only shrugs. "Here, take this", his older friend says after a second and removes his hand, sticking the other one out instead. Tyler brings himself into a sitting position and takes what Josh is handing him, their fingers brushing delicately. 

"It's for your headache", says Josh and gives him a small smile. "Thanks", Tyler responds and sighs, looking down on the tablet in his hand. Josh hauls himself out of the chair and gives him a look. "We're all ready to leave, take your time. I'll wait outside." Tyler nods. Then he's alone.

Only then, in this crushing silence, Tyler is able to process what _actually happened_ in that last couple of minutes. He presses his teeth together and grimaces. 'Oh no', Tyler thinks. 'Oh no, no, no.' His breathing fastens and he also feels his puls speeding up. He presses his palms against his closed eyes and shakes his head rapidly. His eyes are watering but he refuses any tears to spill over. He can't believe he actually fainted. In front of the entire team, in front of Josh!

He rolls his head back and releases a shaky breath. Suddenly all of his thoughts and feelings he so desperately tried to suppress during the concert are back, hitting him completely unprepared. There it is again, the self-doubt, the shame, the _hatred_ for himself. The concert is over but who is he to judge if his performance really was good enough? Josh, Josh had been great. Tyler still admires his friend for his skills, his talents, his looks. He knows the fans love the older man. But what about him? Tyler is almost certain his performance hadn't been good at all. Because really, how could it have been? Text hangers, multiple times. A cracking voice, especially during today's first songs. Maybe his piano playing hadn't been good either. Tyler grits his teeth.

_You know you're not worth performing with Josh. He looks better than you. He has more talent than you. He has more-_

'No!', Tyler responds mentally to the voice in his head. 'That's not true.' He blinks the upcoming tears away.

_Why would anyone like you? You can't _sing_! Don't kid yourself._

Tyler feels something hot running down his cheeks. He lifts his hand and wipes a wet and salty tear away. Again, he hears a hollow laugh echoing in his mind. He sinks into himself, head falling against the cold wall in his back with a dull bang. Why, why can't he live a normal life? He's done being this _weak_ , he's done with the voices in his head and the depression that accompanies him since he's a teenager.

Tyler inhales deeply and exhales slowly and prepares himself to finally exit his dressing room and join the rest of the team, knowing they're probably only waiting for him. Again. He takes the pill Josh handed him to his mouth and swallows it with two swigs of his water. 

When Tyler leaves his room the rest of the group is actually awaiting him near one of the exits of the arena, gathered in a loose circle. Tyler hears them chatting but his eyes instantly connect with Josh's who's standing a few feet away from the rest. He pushes himself off the wall he was leaning against and approaches Tyler.

"Did it help?", Josh asks and nods at Tyler's head. 

"Oh, yeah, the headache is almost gone", Tyler smiles back. It's not, the level of pain only increasing, at most.

All of Josh's body language says he's doubting Tyler, from his stare and the thin line of his lips to his crossed arms. Unsure, Tyler lets his gaze drop to the ground, the grip on his back tightening. "Come on, we should leave, I guess", the younger singer mumbles and he turns, still avoiding his friend's eyes.

But Tyler doesn't even get the chance to start walking away because before he can make one step, Josh grips his wrist, holding him back. "Tyler." Josh's voice is earnest and Tyler flinches. "Are you okay?"

'No!', Tyler wants to scream. He closes his eyes for a second, then he turns around to face his friend. "Of course I am, Josh." He gives his best to let the smile on his lips look real but when Josh's only response is the pinching of his brows he knows he's failed. The other male seems like he wants to say something and just doesn't know how to articulate it and Tyler tenses. Josh's mouth opens but then closes again when no words come out. Tyler is aware the others are still there, probably wondering what takes them so long, but he pays no attention to them. His stare is glued to Josh whose eyes are darting over his face and seem to search for seomething. Tyler feels slight panic rising up his throat because he doesn't know what it is that Josh is looking for.

But before he can do or even say something, the other suddenly releases his arm, giving him a small smile and turns, approaching the rest of the team. Tyler stays behind, his heart pounding heavily in his chest, watching Josh's back distancing from him.

Something in his stomach twitches and he feels his anxiety suffocating him as he watches Josh walking away. He wants to call after him, to wait for him, to stay with him but he remains silent. He feels tears swelling up in his eyes but he forcefully blinks them away. Instead, he adjusts the red beanie on his head and shoulders his rucksack properly. The skin on his arms itches when he slowly follows his best friend.

When Tyler sits in his hotel room eventually, alone and tired, he feels like all of his reserves are used up, like there's nothing left. He rubs small circles over his temples, because his migraine is even stronger now and the pills he swallowed aren't working. With shaking legs Tyler gets to his feet and unsteadily he walks towards the small bathroom that belongs to his hotel room.

Broodingly, Tyler opens the little mirrored door of the carbinet, looking for any sorts of medications but is only faced with the standard equipment for the average traveller. He rumors through the utensils and is just about to close the door again when something silver catches his attention. Tyler freezes. No.

_Tyler..._

"Stop!", Tyler says out loud and shuts the door of the carbinet with a clatter.

_Look Tyler... What's that?_

He backs away from the sink and the carbinet abruptly until he feels the wall in his back. With wide eyes he stares at the reflection in the mirror. Huge, angsty eyes are staring back at him and Tyler wonders briefly if it's just the light or if his skin always has that sickly glow that lets him appear unnaturally pale.

Suddenly he hears a low cackling in the back of his mind and paralysed, he tears his gaze away from his reflection and stares down at the tiles to his feet instead, his breath panting.

_Come on, Tyler, it's not hard, it's so easy! Noone needs to know, noone will ever know!_

"Leave me alone!", Tyler shouts, frantically lifting his hands and gripping his head. Tyler knows he's about to panic and with horror he remembers that he hasn't any medication left.

_Give in. Give in. Just give in!_

"No! I don't want to!" Tyler covers both his ears now but he knows it's a pointless gesture when the one he tries to blend out is in his head. He's still avoiding the mirror because he thinks maybe it won't be him returning his gaze but the _other one_. His breathing comes out snapping and hastily and Tyler's gaze flickers down on his bare arms, then back to the carbinet.

He shakes his head aggressively and rolls it back. His vision blurs with unshed tears and it only takes a second for them to break free. They're dampening his skin and Tyler tries to wipe the salty stains away but the stream doesn't stop.

_You want it, Tyler, I know that. We won't tell anyone, noone needs to know, I promise._

Tyler is sobbing now. "Leave me alone", he whispers weakly but he instantly knows it's an impossible thing to ask for because he never listens to him.

His forearms are painfully itching now and he glances down at them again. He takes a shattery breath. Pink to faded lines cover his wrists and the area around his elbows and Tyler knows his body has more scars than even he is able to count. But he does also know that he's clean for several months now and hasn't touched any sharp objects ever since.

And yet he can't deny the odd temptation he suddenly feels himself confronted with.

A shiver runs down Tyler's spine and he notices how stiff his body feels and how tensed he is. He's still pressed against the wall, with wild eyes and a strained look on his face. He needs to stay strong, he can't give in, can't let _him_ win! Tyler's panting heavily while he tries to draw his attention to anything else than the _cold metal_ that lies in the carbinet only a few feet away from him. His whole body is trembling at the thought of just taking that blade and sliding it across his _skin_. Tyler has to close his eyes. He can't describe how prominent the urge is to _finally_ feel the small razor blade on his arms again. He groans.

He's just about to approach the sink with careful steps, slowly losing control over his mind and not even realizing what he's doing when a sudden noise lets him freeze, causing him to stop his motion. Tyler spins around, facing the open bathroom door.

He just convinces himself it was only his imagination which played a trick on him when he hears it a second time - undoubtedly a knock on the door to his hotel room. Unsure how to proceed, Tyler takes a step closer to the doorway but doesn't move any further. He assumes it's past midnight already and he tries to come up with a reason why anyone would want to visit him at such a late hour. The schedule allows them to rest a day so he sees no valid reason for someone to interrupt his deserved break.

Tyler sneaks closer to the door when he suddenly hears someone speaking up behind it.

"Ty, hey, I know you're in there. Just open the door. Please." That voice undeniably belongs to Josh. Tyler stiffens. He feels his heartbeat fasten and a thin layer of sweat forms on his skin.

He knows it's dumb and there's no possible way for Josh to persume what Tyler had been doing in his bathroom - almost had done. But that knowledge doesn't prevent him from suddenly feeling so _embarrassed_ and ashamed when he hears his friend's voice.

They know each other for almost ten years now. It's no secret Tyler suffers from depression and often struggles with his mental health. Everyone knows it, everyone can read it out of his lyrics or see it in the way he talks. But what noone besides the closest people around him knows is how _much_ the depression affects him and his daily life. They know nothing about the many, many nights he spends crying in foreign hotel rooms or in the bunk of their tour bus. They don't know anything about the voice that's constantly speaking to him, that always tries to convince him that he's a _failure_ , not good enough for Twenty One Pilots, not _worth_ Josh's friendship and affection. Noone else knows of the dozens of scars that are covering his wrists, arms and hips.

But Josh, Josh knows all of that. He'd always been there whenever Tyler needed him, had talked him through countless nights, had spent hours over hours holding him in his arms and just waiting for his panic attacks to be over.

"Tyler?", Josh asks again and knocks on the door a third time. The singer runs a hand through his short hair nervously but eventually overcomes his hesitation and closes the distance between him and the door. 

On so many days Josh had been there when he once again was just too _weak_ to resist that urge, that need to finally be able to _breathe_ again, when he just needed something for dealing with this constant fear of not being enough, with his insecurity and with the days he just _hated_ himself. 

It's been some months since Josh discovered Tyler had hurt himself the last time. It had been before the Bandito tour started, when they were still promoting their recent album. Tyler whishes he could delete this day from his memories, and Josh's too, because it had been one of the worst days in his entire life. He still hates himself for being that careless and irresponsible that particular day. Usually, and Tyler doubts it is a good thing, he always ensures to clean after he's _done_ very strictly but on that day, when he thought he was the only one on their bus, he just forgot to clear the tiny bathroom up in time. Josh found him still sitting in that room even and with the tears and the whole blood there had been no possible way a scenery could've been more evident for what he'd done. On that day, he promised Josh to never hurt himself again.

Tyler opens the door tentatively and then there he is, standing on the opposite side of the threshold and staring at him with an unreadable expression in his eyes. Tyler instantly lowers his head in shame. A sob breaks free and he just _knows_ Josh is aware of the fact that he'd been just about to break his promise.

Tyler's tears are falling again or maybe he didn't even stop crying at all but in that moment he just wants to disappear and stop being such a burden to everyone, especially to Josh. He closes his eyes in a defeated manner, just waiting for the other man to _say something_.

He feels his friend's eyes on him but he doesn't dare to look up. He's too afraid to see the disappointment on Josh's face he's sure to see if he lifted his gaze. Suddenly his whole body is trembling uncontrollably and he has goosebumps all over his arms. Why isn't Josh saying anything?

After another ten seconds of unbearable silence Tyler can't stand it anymore. His gaze flickers up and when he meets Josh's eyes, his breath hitches.

Josh holds his gaze with such an intense expression in his stare, Tyler can't tear his eyes away. He sees the emotions in Josh's eyes, he feels tears still rolling down his cheeks, hears himself breathing flatly and suddenly he feels so tiny and weak and _vulnerable_. He will never be okay, he will never be good enough, he will never be able to stop making Josh worry about him, he will never- 

The next thing Tyler knows is that Josh is clinging onto him, two strong arms wrapping tightly around his torso. The older man presses him to his body so firmly he thinks he feels Josh's racing heartbeat against his own chest. Tyler doesn't hesitate, he returns the hug instantly. He inhales in a needing way, he smells Josh's scent which is manly and freshly showered and he wishes he could just-

"Please, _please_ talk to me when things get bad again, Tyler", Josh suddenly whispers into his ear. He tenses but the older one only presses his body further to his chest. Tyler releases a shaky breath into Josh's neck. "I don't want to lose you to _him_ ", the older man says with a raw voice and brings a hand up to the back of Tyler's head. He rests his hand in the crook of his neck and Tyler shivers. His heart skips a beat at Josh's warm and _gentle_ touch. He adjusts his head a little so his nose rests just above the other man's collarbone. He nods with slightly parted lips, his mouth softly brushing over Josh's exposed skin. Josh swallows noisily.

"Don't let him win, Ty", Josh breathes with a raspy voice and buries his nose in Tyler's dark hair, his grip tightening on his lower back. He presses a soft kiss on top of his head, causing Tyler to sink further into Josh's arms. And suddenly, Tyler is finally, _finally_ able to breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> Despite this one being the first concert I've ever been to it was just awesome! Just beautiful, omg! We were seated directly next to the stage and holy, the boys were so close! And even though I like Josh a little better my eyes were glued to Tyler the whole time! It's been such a stunning experience!  
> I tell you I thought about the Tyler-faints-concept a good while ago already but when I saw them live (during Bandito, actually) I just got some additional ideas '^^


End file.
